Pieces of Me

Day 11

Hanging in there.  I'm not sure that it is getting easier for me but I am growing to accept what is.  I still crave Mexican.  Tacos, burritos, etc.  I believe it truly is a comfort thing for me.  That's kind of a tough one for me because I feel as if I have needed comfort my whole life.  So sometimes I feel very much alone.  I have not been overweight my whole life.  But I have noticed that with each decade it gets harder and harder to control weight.  I know that better choices and a lot more exercise will be the key.  Eating a couple of tacos or a bean and cheese burrito is not my problem.  It's that I am 46 years old, eat the food, and don't move!  I woke up this morning and I felt better.  I love that.  I put a dress on for church that has always fit except the bands on the sleeves have always cut into my arms.  No cutting today.  Awesome!

I had another interesting day in the life of Jules.  Went to church this morning.  That was a good choice.  I was a kind of blind-sided by a request after church though.  It was from my mom.  She asked me if I would be going to see Doris at the Hospice House today.  I said I probably would.  She then said she would like to join me.  Whoa.  I was taken aback.  I said "are you sure"?  She was sure.  I called Judy and asked her if it would be ok with her.  I think Judy was taken aback also.  She was a bit hesitant but said ok.  So my mom and I went to see my mom.  How's that for weird?  Bev has never met Doris before.  I was really nervous about the whole thing.  She has met Judy once before so that was ok.  Mom is not real comfortable around everyone but Judy hugged her and said hello.  Mom would have never hugged Judy.  Judy showed us around the hospice and then we went to the room.  Doris is no longer on oxygen.  She is lying in bed, quite peaceful actually.  She goes through spells when she stops breathing but otherwise she sleeps and breathes.  I introduced them and held my breath.  I wasn't sure if Doris was going to leap out of bed and they were going to have a show-down or what!  Mom thanked Doris for the gift of me.  We both talked to Doris about different things.  I did most of the talking.  I told Doris how my optifast program is going and told her about the weather and the animals.  I talked about our trip to Maui in 2002.  I did the best I could.  Mom talked to her about Heaven and then said a prayer.  It's unknown if Doris heard a word of any of this.  I hope so.  I tried to get her to squeeze my hand but there is nothing there.  It was a very different kind of experience for me...my birth mother and my mother both in the same room.  A lot of thoughts and feelings flashed through my mind.  Words that would flash in my mind.  Birth.  Life.  Mom.  Mother.  Daughter.  Death.  Loss.  It was something that touched me and moved me but something that I haven't quite processed yet.  It was a lot for me to take in.  I have always felt like my life has been made up of different pieces - nothing that connected or flowed.  Today I faced two of those pieces at the same time.  And I ponder...
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